I don't even know what to write, but something inside is eating at me, so even if it is rambling I am going to get something out of me.
My bf came back and well, things have been good. The breakup was bad. The time without him worse. I prayed for numbness, but none came. Just this tearing feeling right in the center of me. I don't mean to dramatize it but it was hell. My own personal hell. Just a glimpse into my future. When the days without him will turn to weeks, months, and so on.
Why do I do it? When I know there is an end coming, why do I keep it going? Why not just stop so I can start to heal? It could have been done. Right then. The right thing to have done would have been to let him go. Let him start his life without me. I didn't. I kept ways for him to contact me open. I wanted him to come back.
Every date I have set for us to be done has just passed. I use so many excuses to not let go. I am hurting us both. I hate myself. I have something so precious, but I am so scared to take what is already mine.
You fall in love, but something I didn't realize is you keep falling. And the more you fall, the more you fear falling. You depend on them, your days feel right just because they are in this world. I love him so much. I am so thankful to have known him, loved him. He is the best guy I have ever known. I have never felt so loved, protected, and like a treasure. It is so hard thinking of a time without that.
I know the end is coming, and it will hurt a lot, probably the worst pain of my whole life. I doubt there will be a day I won't wake to regrets and memories of his voice being the first thing I hear in the mornings, and the last at night. I pray that God watches over him, and keeps him healthy and happy. Gives him what I couldn't.
Other than my son, he is the gift of my lifetime, and for now, he is with me.